When Christ has Risen but your heart is in the Grave

Easter is arguably the most famous of all Christian holidays. Standing as the reminder of the victorious & triumphal Resurrection of Jesus from the grave it is a time of reflection, thankfulness, celebration and JOY! 

So what happens when it's not..? 

Let me explain: 

Easter 2016 was the worst Easter of my life (to date). 

It was March and (although, I didn't know it at the time) I was beginning to enter what would become the longest and most difficult season of depression I have yet encountered. 
The day before our Easter services, I remember sitting by our stage crying, wondering how I was going to "get through" the weekend.

How was I going to celebrate the most momentous moment of Christian faith? How could I celebrate the JOY of Christ's Resurrection when my heart was buried in pain, depression and confusion? In that terrible moment, the Holy Spirit immediately began to minister something to be. It was something I needed to learn there and then, and something I needed to share later. 

I'm not the first woman with a heart buried in pain while the risen Lord is present. 

In John 20 we find a woman huddle near a grave - an empty grave - weeping. Mary had found the tomb empty that morning. What should have sparked hope had open the floodgates of grief and confusion. She was unaware that the empty grave was the reality of a risen Savior. She did not comprehend that the "source" of her pain was actually the symbol of her joy. So she wept. 

"Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" (John 20:15). 

Had she chosen, in that moment to look up, she would have seen her Savior. But Mary was too overwhelmed to look up. 

"Mary"

I love that in this moment, Jesus chose to speak her name. He was not frustrated with her for not recognizing him. He was not angry with her for doubting or having little faith. He was not annoyed that she didn't remember or understand his previous prophecies about rising from the dead. He was compassionate, he was understanding. That's how he is with us (Ps. 145:1).
I don't know about you but when I go through hard times - there's always a part of me that wants to despair. 

The tomb is an illusion of despair. 

God will never leave us there. So what does he do? He comes near and speaks our name (Isa. 43:1). His voice reminds us that He IS living and present. His voice draws our attention away from the grave and compels us to look into the face of our Savior. When we recognize his presence, we begin to embrace the reality of hope.    

I don't know how you are this Easter. You may be full of joy and happiness. You may be clear minded, reflective and hopeful. 
But if you're not -  it's ok. If you feel depressed, devastated, sick, hurt, overwhelmed or angry - it's ok. If you are struggling - it's ok. You are not a terrible Christian. You don't have to fake excitement. You don't have to feel ashamed. 
The beautiful about the resurrection is that it's reality - it's power - it's meaning for us today isn't changed by how we feel. 

Resurrection power means life and hope - especially for those whose hearts threaten to linger at the tomb.  

Psalm 103:10: “He does not treat us as our sins deserve. Or repay us according to our iniquities.”

Overcome by fear and overwhelmed by doubt

I run to the cross where your mercy stoops down

And in my position so low

Your grace overflows

Taking my fear, lifting my doubt

Seeing my miserable failures and throwing them out

Treating me not as my sins deserve

My heart is set free from guilt to serve. 

To the Cross

"Christ marched purposely towards his death. He lead the way to the cross." 

- C. J. Mahaney

How ready, how willing am I to take the path to the cross?

It is a daunting journey.

Have I learned, as my master did, to "set my face resolutely" to the death of my flesh?

O that my feet would quickly hasten,

To the cross where I might die

To crucify my worldly ambitions 

And the idols wherein my affections lie

Let me not turn away the chance to suffer

My master has shown me the way

That the cross is new life

To those who walk in it everyday. 

The Scourge of Pride

There are times in my life where, when my heart is sensitive and soft towards God, every trial, every difficulty, every trying situation pushes me closer to Him. In those seasons, every hard turn or tight corner brings me to a place of desperate surrender - a place where complete dependency becomes my default reaction. 

That is a beautiful place to be in - a place I wish I was always in. 

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it." 

My heart unguarded, my spirit unchecked, my mind undisciplined want nothing to do with submission. They seek self interest, self righteousness, and self justification. They pull at my soul until the very things that once made me run to Him now harden my heart against Him. Pride rises up to protest with a shaking fist, and my heart must once again learn to be broken before Him. 

And more often than I would like, I pull out my journal and pray this once more over myself:

Callous is my heart

Like a weather-beaten rock

Not longer broken by the waves.

Like a fist clenched

Silent, yet firm

Could you unfold the layers of sin

And let your healing balm

Cleanse the scourge of pride? 

Take Up Your Cross

Under Roman rule, the cross became infamously known as a symbol of judgement and pain. The Roman practice of making a criminal carry his cross to the place of his crucifixion served not only as physical punishment, but as a sign to both criminal and bystanders that the prisoner - once in opposition to the Roman law - was now in full submission to its will.

That beautiful cross, under which the beauty of Heaven himself bowed in submission to his father’s will,  now serves as a vivid reminder to those who wish to follow him. Jesus beckoned his followers with these words “But whoever would come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.” Always the perfect shepherd of our souls, he did not call his sheep to that which was unfamiliar to him.

I am reminded in my daily life that to take up my cross is to take up that which symbolizes that I am in submission to the Father’s Will. When Jesus bore the weight cross I can only imagine it caused those around him to say “Why?” His answer, “for life, and life more abundantly.” For without the pain of submission, new life would never be found. I too might expect the same incredulity of those who see me take up my cross, but I will hold it high as my testimony to the world. What I once rebelled against – I now submit to. Who I once scorned – I now embrace. What I once thought was life - I let go. And here, in the shelter of the cross I have taken up, I have found greater life.

Other Wells

Just like the woman at the well in John 4, I feel myself continually walk the path to a well that will, or so I convince myself will, quench a thirst in my life. The things of the world overwhelm me with the promises of satisfaction. 

Pure water is traded for sweetened water. 

Moments of meaningless pride and pleasure are traded for encounters with the one who is true life. 

Yet, somehow, someway, as I walk towards the very things that I hope to gain some sense of satisfaction from, I am met by Jesus. He reminds me the source of my thirst and its only remedy - Living Water.
Living Water, not flowing from a well but a being - Jesus Christ. 

I wonder that he cares so much to continually come to meet me as I walk away from life to search for other means of satisfaction. 

I wonder too whether I will ever learn to drink only of his living water. What joy and satisfaction would then be learned. 

"but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." - John 4:14

The Struggle Is Real? Or is it?

                           Philippians 1:21 – “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” 

            I love the book of Philippians. It’s few pages are filled with such joy, hope and encouragement. The verse above is probably one of the more frequently quoted verses in the book. I have often used it in my “Christian lingo” as applicable to my life. It came as a surprise to me, then, the other day when I read this verse and was struck with a conviction that I did not at all understand the meaning or application of it.

            Context. Paul is confessing in this portion of Philippians 1 that he is very torn between two different desires, one to live and the other to die (not in a morbid or suicidal way). On the one hand, Paul knows that in living he will be able to accomplish work in furthering the kingdom of God. On the other hand he strongly desires to be with Christ, dwelling in his heavenly life. Both desires are good and admirable. From his language we can see that Paul is deeply torn between these two different paths. We could say that, for Paul, the struggle is real.

Application. The question is, is the struggle real for me? To be honest, I have to say no. I have never been confronted with a life-or-death situation, but I could guess, that if I was everything, in me would want to live and not die. If Jesus came to me today and said, “Would you like to die today?” I would mostly likely say no! We’ve all prayed those prayers before that go something like this, “God, please don’t come until (fill in the blank) has happened.” I can’t even count how many times I’ve thought those prayers. And while I want nothing more than to spend eternity with Christ, often my love of life here overshadows that desire. I’ve begun to realize that, unlike Paul, I don’t always view death as gain. You see, in Paul’s mind, death was superior to life. Death was not the end of life but the beginning or birth into a far superior life. Death meant more of Jesus, and because Paul lived with the attitude that “to live is Christ,” his death would only mean a greater continuation of the life he was already living.

           Paul didn’t love his life more that Christ. He didn’t have to even make that choice because his life was Christ. This concept is hard for me to understand. The wording is a little odd. How does “to live is Christ” work? There are so many different explanations that people want to give, but I heard one example that kind of brought it to life for me. A man named Wayne Barber said:

“If I took a fish (a hand puppet fish) and said 'Okay. Swim!' the fish would just sit there because it does not have any life in it to enable it to swim. This fish is like a person without the Lord Jesus Christ. Paul is saying that there is someone inside of me that is my life. I draw my life from Him.”

Most days I feel far from a fish puppet being completely filled and controlled by the hand of God in every aspect of my life. And it hit me that maybe my lack of understanding of death and desire for heaven is directly related to my lack of allowing my life to become Christ. If my life consists of moving towards a place where Christ is living through my mind and body then all my desires and affections become the same as Christ. I no longer hold on to my life because all I can see when I look at my life is Christ. When I look at the past, I see Christ. When I look at the present I see Christ. When I look at the future, I see Christ. And when I look beyond the future I see only a continuation of Christ living in me. Like Paul said in Romans 14:8, “Whether we live we live to the Lord and if we die, we die to the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.”

It is not death to die if the death of Christ be but the life of the soul.

 – Spurgeon

                      I live only to serve Him, only to commune with Him; I have no conception                     
                                                         of life apart from Him.
                                                                 – Lightfoot